roll over, mr. whipple

While waiting in line at the drug store the other day, I was subjected to what might arguably be the most mind-numbing conversation ever overheard in the history of eavesdropping. A customer and the clerk were discussing at length the difference between Cottonelle and Charmin toilet papers (a difference which, I surmised from their exchange, is negligible). In the great American quest to maximize comfort AND save money, the customer was tempted to switch to Cottonelle, but was concerned she would be sacrificing the downy softness of Charmin. The clerk reassured her that she, too, used to be a Charmin fan, but is now a staunch supporter of Cottonelle so much that she recently converted her husband, also formerly of the Charmin camp, to her side. Until then, the clerk shared, they were a house divided, with she and her husband using separate bathrooms with Cottonelle in hers and Charmin in his. Now, apparently, harmony prevails, with the same toilet tissue in all bathrooms.

The customer was skeptical, partly because a misunderstanding arose; halfway through the conversation, the clerk began saying "Charmin" where it was obvious she meant "Cottonelle," a lamentable error when attempting to offer a comparison. After explaining how she converted her husband to the Cottonelle campaign, she chirped, "and now we have Charmin in all the bathrooms and my husband couldn't be happier!" This sent the already apprehensive customer fishtailing into the guard rails. "Wait, Charmin? Or Cottonelle?" The clerk, oblivious to her error, continued on her campaign for Cottonelle, calling it Charmin, which turned an already painful 2-minute conversation into something excruciatingly longer. I thoroughly enjoy eavesdropping, but I intensely dislike listening to a conversation in which there is a misunderstanding that confuses everyone and I'm the only one who notices what it is.

"But is Cottonelle as soft as Charmin?" the customer persisted, abandoning the need for clarity in her search for the bottom line, and the clerk assured her that she wouldn't be disappointed, and I don't remember any more, because I think it was around that time that my head exploded.

And now, in honor of the many souls lost to mundane suburban existence, I offer this humble prayer:

Dear lord, may I never find myself trapped in a relationship in which the brand of toilet paper used becomes an issue worthy of discussion or division in my household, such that my partner and I retreat to separate bathrooms where we enshrine our respective preferences in toilet tissue. And may I never be so overly concerned with these banalities that I feel compelled to discuss, in depth, with a complete stranger and in earshot of other strangers, the softness of a material everyone knows I will be using on my ass. Amen.

P.S. In case of further questions or concerns, please refer to the Charmin website, where you can view such essential information as a comprehensive Charmin timeline dating back to the 1920s, as well as a question and answer page with detailed instructions to riveting, crucial matters such as "What do I do if the plies on my Charmin roll are not lining up properly?" and "What is the proper way to hang the Charmin roll on my dispenser?" Or, for those of the rival camp, the Cottonelle website offers an open-text forum where you can submit a "pledge" as to "how you plan to be kind to your behind," (I couldn't make this up if I wanted to, folks). Fortunately, Cottonelle also has a question and answer page, which I'm sure you will find informative if you are able to stay interested long enough to click onto it, which I was not.

In closing, and just so we can all rest easy, Charmin does recommend that you hang the roll so that the paper drapes over the TOP, but they let us know that it can also be placed such that the paper hangs down the back, and that each individual household will have to battle that out on its own. Will the American household survive yet another divisive issue? Tune in next week, for "Conversations with the waitress at Denny's: When you're a top-hanger and your partner is a back-hanger." With any luck, another suburban disaster will be successfully averted. Thanks, Cottonelle. Er, Charmin.