i'm not sure why i was asked this question during my recent visit to the friendly LAX customs office upon returning from england. he said it just like that, in a thick foreign accent. "did you bring back any meats, animal products...salami?" honestly, the only thing i remember clearly is "salami?" because at that point i became bemused to the point of forgetting all else.
"good day, sir. meats? no, i wouldn't bring in such a thing...animal products...gracious no, i'm well acquainted with my country's import/export policies...oh, salami? why yes, funny you should ask..." *producing large, phallic package from carry-on*
what i would like to know is, why salami, in particular? is that a more egregious violation of customs regulations than, say, leg of lamb or smoked haddock? perhaps there is a mad salami disease rippling through the united kingdom that our media has been remiss in reporting? either that, or i look like a girl who really loves her some salami. seeing as i haven't eaten red meat in approximately 20 years, i'd say his radar is WAY off. that being the case, who IS smuggling in this terroristic salami, i ask you, while this agent is busy positing questions to those carrying nothing but english tea, mr. men books, and enough belgian chocolate to choke a horse?
then again, it must be tedious sitting there in customs, watching people shuffle by with their luggage, in and out, all day long, going and coming from hither and tither, and never going anywhere yourself. maybe not even to the restroom, or to eat. perhaps he was just hoping that a kind, lunch-bearing stranger had arrived. "did you bring back any salami? maybe with muenster cheese and tomato, and a dollop of mustard? no? alright then, move along. next! excuse me, sir, did you bring back any salami...."
anyone? anyone?? hasn't anyone in this godforsaken place brought back any mother f*&^ing salami?!
madness is not just for postal workers anymore, my friends.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
how to be a babe magnet
click here for instructional video
so, this video is labeled "somali" although it looks like something out of a bollywood film, which to me would suggest "indian." either way, i offer my humble interpretation. by the way, if you're looking for a way to score with an imaginary chick, your ship has come in.
the lesson here is that if you happen to see a beautiful hitchhiker when driving in your sporty american vehicle through the snowy mountains of Somalia (or wherever your BMW might have taken you), the best course of action is to stand up and make wildly gyrating motions with your upper body, which is sure to draw her over. be sure to engage the emergency brake while doing this, so your vehicle does not plunge over the snowy ledge. once she joins you in the vehicle, she is then likely to turn into an indian princess in diaphanous robes. (note: she is likely to disappear and reappear without notice; do not be alarmed by this). it is preferable that at some point you run away with her scarf, rub your grubby cheek against it and wave it around near some livestock. when she snatches it back, that is when you should pursue her in your orange life vest and throw her to the ground amongst a flock of sheep. you and she will be granted several wardrobe changes throughout this experience, which will allow you to practice tai chi on a snowy mountain top. (it will not be necessary to dress appropriately for this activity.) be sure to make many sweeping gestures with your arms while you do so. this will cause a hot air balloon to randomly appear, in which you and the indian princess should abscond, with no regard for who might be the rightful owner or whether either of you is aware of how to operate it. be sure that during the trip you continuously graze her skin with your mouth, but try to refrain from having any actual contact. after the flight, when she appears in pink and spins in a field, you should approach her from behind and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but be sure your mouth continues to move for several minutes after you're done speaking. if she tries to get away, just give her scarf a little yank to keep her in line. now that your relationship has progressed, you should both do pairs figure skating moves on the mountaintop. this will inspire her to fling her arms awkwardly around your torso. soon, you will realize she was merely an angel of your imagination, at which point you will magically stumble upon your vehicle and drive away, smiling to yourself. you then arrive at your destination as if nothing has happened, but carrying with you the sweet sweet memories. ah, romance.
so, this video is labeled "somali" although it looks like something out of a bollywood film, which to me would suggest "indian." either way, i offer my humble interpretation. by the way, if you're looking for a way to score with an imaginary chick, your ship has come in.
the lesson here is that if you happen to see a beautiful hitchhiker when driving in your sporty american vehicle through the snowy mountains of Somalia (or wherever your BMW might have taken you), the best course of action is to stand up and make wildly gyrating motions with your upper body, which is sure to draw her over. be sure to engage the emergency brake while doing this, so your vehicle does not plunge over the snowy ledge. once she joins you in the vehicle, she is then likely to turn into an indian princess in diaphanous robes. (note: she is likely to disappear and reappear without notice; do not be alarmed by this). it is preferable that at some point you run away with her scarf, rub your grubby cheek against it and wave it around near some livestock. when she snatches it back, that is when you should pursue her in your orange life vest and throw her to the ground amongst a flock of sheep. you and she will be granted several wardrobe changes throughout this experience, which will allow you to practice tai chi on a snowy mountain top. (it will not be necessary to dress appropriately for this activity.) be sure to make many sweeping gestures with your arms while you do so. this will cause a hot air balloon to randomly appear, in which you and the indian princess should abscond, with no regard for who might be the rightful owner or whether either of you is aware of how to operate it. be sure that during the trip you continuously graze her skin with your mouth, but try to refrain from having any actual contact. after the flight, when she appears in pink and spins in a field, you should approach her from behind and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but be sure your mouth continues to move for several minutes after you're done speaking. if she tries to get away, just give her scarf a little yank to keep her in line. now that your relationship has progressed, you should both do pairs figure skating moves on the mountaintop. this will inspire her to fling her arms awkwardly around your torso. soon, you will realize she was merely an angel of your imagination, at which point you will magically stumble upon your vehicle and drive away, smiling to yourself. you then arrive at your destination as if nothing has happened, but carrying with you the sweet sweet memories. ah, romance.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
a decaying gene pool
Is it just me, or does 93.7 KRQ make anyone else feel like throwing up? After hearing the same seven songs cycle over and over again for 10 hours straight, I start to feel like I'm on a merry-go-round with a maniacal conductor who refuses to stop the ride in spite of the fact that I've been on the verge of losing control of my esophageal reflexes for the past 129 rotations. I sit at my desk, picturing the same musical patterns carving their way through my brain over and over, strengthening one mediocre loop of neurons while the others atrophy and die, until I'm no longer able to mentally grasp anything more complex than "fergalicious def…fergalicious def…fergalicious def…"
Not to mention, having been subjected to the linguistic genius of Avril Lavigne on at least 18 occasions today, I'm starting to question my own sanity. Surely it's me who's insane, and not the millions of listeners who actually support the song "Girlfriend" and about 1,000 others like it on a day to day basis. I mean, I'd like to think that someone who is considered an "artist" or "musician" (and consequently is paid 100 times in a week what I make in a year) might come up with lyrics a bit more…oh, I don't know, artistic and musical maybe? than "hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one." Or: "you're so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious, I think about ya all the time." Ignoring, for a moment, that these are perhaps the most uninspired and juvenile lyrics ever put to paper, consider the composition: as if rhyming isn't elementary enough, these lines actually attempt to rhyme, and fail. Not to mention, who says someone is "fine" anymore? Aren't we supposed to call each other "hot" now, only with two Ts?
But really, the best line of all goes, "she's like, so…whatever." (note: the punctuation I've applied makes this line seem much more sophisticated than it really is.)
I like this line because there's just so much information in these words, so much thought behind them. "She's like so whatever." I know exactly what she's talking about, you know, you just like, want to say what she is, but she's so ugh that you just can't find any words for it, so you just say like, whatever, and you shake your head and roll your eyes. And then you go home and fight with your mom about how much you talk on the phone, and how her rules are also like, so whatever. I've been there so, so many times. Thank you, Avril, for being someone I can relate to, to make me feel less alone in this big, big world.
I hereby bestow upon Avril Lavigne the international award for the most asinine and mediocre song ever written.
But, wait; we have a last-minute entry! We would be remiss not to consider Avril's last hit song, "Don't tell me," would we not? You know, the one with the line about a kiss that "made me go ohh ohh," which actually succeeded in making my skin crawl. But, I know how it is when you so desperately need to rhyme with your last line that you just throw in a sound or an exclamation with a similar vowel. Who said it had to be a word? After all, "know" (in the preceding line) is pretty damn hard to rhyme. All you really have to choose from are the words go, bestow, throw, grow, and about a hundred others, including blow, which might be the one with the most relevance.
After carefully considering both entries, and although it pains me to choose only one, I believe I will have to go with my first impulse and give the award to "Girlfriend." The second song, however cringe-inducing it may be, does have a moderately catchy melody and is not quite as grating to the ears. I am equally underwhelmed by the lyrics in each, but the boorish "Girlfriend" cannot even lay claim to catchiness, having all the finesse and refinement of a high school pep rally.
What happened to the old days of "sk8er boy" and "complicated," the days when Avril wanted to be "anything but ordinary"? They weren't songs for the lyrical hall of fame, but they were sweet and catchy in a naïve, little sister sort of way. Not to mention, back then we could all forgive a little foolishness, considering she was only 17. She's now a 23-year-old woman -- a married woman, no less! Does anyone else find this disturbing? Even more pressing, does Avril's husband realize he married someone who can't possibly have a mental age greater than 12? Not only have her lyrics failed to mature, they've actually regressed, like that disease that makes babies look like old men, only in reverse. Isn't anyone looking into this??
But, I digress. The point of this blog was to slam on the conspiracy of KRQ, which is numbing young minds one by one so they cannot think outside the box or consider the atrocities that are happening outside their little worlds every day. Don't even get me started on KRQ Wednesday's War of the Roses. Or the most obnoxious morning disc jockey of all time, Kari. Having had my will to live bludgeoned and exhausted by yet another 10-hour run of the aforementioned broadcast station, I will save said topics for another blog.
I would just like those at KRQ to know that I am not beaten! I will rise again! If you think you can keep me down or assassinate me for my revolutionary ideas like they did John Lennon, you are like, SO whatever.
Not to mention, having been subjected to the linguistic genius of Avril Lavigne on at least 18 occasions today, I'm starting to question my own sanity. Surely it's me who's insane, and not the millions of listeners who actually support the song "Girlfriend" and about 1,000 others like it on a day to day basis. I mean, I'd like to think that someone who is considered an "artist" or "musician" (and consequently is paid 100 times in a week what I make in a year) might come up with lyrics a bit more…oh, I don't know, artistic and musical maybe? than "hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one." Or: "you're so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious, I think about ya all the time." Ignoring, for a moment, that these are perhaps the most uninspired and juvenile lyrics ever put to paper, consider the composition: as if rhyming isn't elementary enough, these lines actually attempt to rhyme, and fail. Not to mention, who says someone is "fine" anymore? Aren't we supposed to call each other "hot" now, only with two Ts?
But really, the best line of all goes, "she's like, so…whatever." (note: the punctuation I've applied makes this line seem much more sophisticated than it really is.)
I like this line because there's just so much information in these words, so much thought behind them. "She's like so whatever." I know exactly what she's talking about, you know, you just like, want to say what she is, but she's so ugh that you just can't find any words for it, so you just say like, whatever, and you shake your head and roll your eyes. And then you go home and fight with your mom about how much you talk on the phone, and how her rules are also like, so whatever. I've been there so, so many times. Thank you, Avril, for being someone I can relate to, to make me feel less alone in this big, big world.
I hereby bestow upon Avril Lavigne the international award for the most asinine and mediocre song ever written.
But, wait; we have a last-minute entry! We would be remiss not to consider Avril's last hit song, "Don't tell me," would we not? You know, the one with the line about a kiss that "made me go ohh ohh," which actually succeeded in making my skin crawl. But, I know how it is when you so desperately need to rhyme with your last line that you just throw in a sound or an exclamation with a similar vowel. Who said it had to be a word? After all, "know" (in the preceding line) is pretty damn hard to rhyme. All you really have to choose from are the words go, bestow, throw, grow, and about a hundred others, including blow, which might be the one with the most relevance.
After carefully considering both entries, and although it pains me to choose only one, I believe I will have to go with my first impulse and give the award to "Girlfriend." The second song, however cringe-inducing it may be, does have a moderately catchy melody and is not quite as grating to the ears. I am equally underwhelmed by the lyrics in each, but the boorish "Girlfriend" cannot even lay claim to catchiness, having all the finesse and refinement of a high school pep rally.
What happened to the old days of "sk8er boy" and "complicated," the days when Avril wanted to be "anything but ordinary"? They weren't songs for the lyrical hall of fame, but they were sweet and catchy in a naïve, little sister sort of way. Not to mention, back then we could all forgive a little foolishness, considering she was only 17. She's now a 23-year-old woman -- a married woman, no less! Does anyone else find this disturbing? Even more pressing, does Avril's husband realize he married someone who can't possibly have a mental age greater than 12? Not only have her lyrics failed to mature, they've actually regressed, like that disease that makes babies look like old men, only in reverse. Isn't anyone looking into this??
But, I digress. The point of this blog was to slam on the conspiracy of KRQ, which is numbing young minds one by one so they cannot think outside the box or consider the atrocities that are happening outside their little worlds every day. Don't even get me started on KRQ Wednesday's War of the Roses. Or the most obnoxious morning disc jockey of all time, Kari. Having had my will to live bludgeoned and exhausted by yet another 10-hour run of the aforementioned broadcast station, I will save said topics for another blog.
I would just like those at KRQ to know that I am not beaten! I will rise again! If you think you can keep me down or assassinate me for my revolutionary ideas like they did John Lennon, you are like, SO whatever.
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