a decaying gene pool

Is it just me, or does 93.7 KRQ make anyone else feel like throwing up? After hearing the same seven songs cycle over and over again for 10 hours straight, I start to feel like I'm on a merry-go-round with a maniacal conductor who refuses to stop the ride in spite of the fact that I've been on the verge of losing control of my esophageal reflexes for the past 129 rotations. I sit at my desk, picturing the same musical patterns carving their way through my brain over and over, strengthening one mediocre loop of neurons while the others atrophy and die, until I'm no longer able to mentally grasp anything more complex than "fergalicious def…fergalicious def…fergalicious def…"

Not to mention, having been subjected to the linguistic genius of Avril Lavigne on at least 18 occasions today, I'm starting to question my own sanity. Surely it's me who's insane, and not the millions of listeners who actually support the song "Girlfriend" and about 1,000 others like it on a day to day basis. I mean, I'd like to think that someone who is considered an "artist" or "musician" (and consequently is paid 100 times in a week what I make in a year) might come up with lyrics a bit more…oh, I don't know, artistic and musical maybe? than "hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one." Or: "you're so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious, I think about ya all the time." Ignoring, for a moment, that these are perhaps the most uninspired and juvenile lyrics ever put to paper, consider the composition: as if rhyming isn't elementary enough, these lines actually attempt to rhyme, and fail. Not to mention, who says someone is "fine" anymore? Aren't we supposed to call each other "hot" now, only with two Ts?

But really, the best line of all goes, "she's like, so…whatever." (note: the punctuation I've applied makes this line seem much more sophisticated than it really is.)

I like this line because there's just so much information in these words, so much thought behind them. "She's like so whatever." I know exactly what she's talking about, you know, you just like, want to say what she is, but she's so ugh that you just can't find any words for it, so you just say like, whatever, and you shake your head and roll your eyes. And then you go home and fight with your mom about how much you talk on the phone, and how her rules are also like, so whatever. I've been there so, so many times. Thank you, Avril, for being someone I can relate to, to make me feel less alone in this big, big world.

I hereby bestow upon Avril Lavigne the international award for the most asinine and mediocre song ever written.

But, wait; we have a last-minute entry! We would be remiss not to consider Avril's last hit song, "Don't tell me," would we not? You know, the one with the line about a kiss that "made me go ohh ohh," which actually succeeded in making my skin crawl. But, I know how it is when you so desperately need to rhyme with your last line that you just throw in a sound or an exclamation with a similar vowel. Who said it had to be a word? After all, "know" (in the preceding line) is pretty damn hard to rhyme. All you really have to choose from are the words go, bestow, throw, grow, and about a hundred others, including blow, which might be the one with the most relevance.

After carefully considering both entries, and although it pains me to choose only one, I believe I will have to go with my first impulse and give the award to "Girlfriend." The second song, however cringe-inducing it may be, does have a moderately catchy melody and is not quite as grating to the ears. I am equally underwhelmed by the lyrics in each, but the boorish "Girlfriend" cannot even lay claim to catchiness, having all the finesse and refinement of a high school pep rally.

What happened to the old days of "sk8er boy" and "complicated," the days when Avril wanted to be "anything but ordinary"? They weren't songs for the lyrical hall of fame, but they were sweet and catchy in a naïve, little sister sort of way. Not to mention, back then we could all forgive a little foolishness, considering she was only 17. She's now a 23-year-old woman -- a married woman, no less! Does anyone else find this disturbing? Even more pressing, does Avril's husband realize he married someone who can't possibly have a mental age greater than 12? Not only have her lyrics failed to mature, they've actually regressed, like that disease that makes babies look like old men, only in reverse. Isn't anyone looking into this??

But, I digress. The point of this blog was to slam on the conspiracy of KRQ, which is numbing young minds one by one so they cannot think outside the box or consider the atrocities that are happening outside their little worlds every day. Don't even get me started on KRQ Wednesday's War of the Roses. Or the most obnoxious morning disc jockey of all time, Kari. Having had my will to live bludgeoned and exhausted by yet another 10-hour run of the aforementioned broadcast station, I will save said topics for another blog.

I would just like those at KRQ to know that I am not beaten! I will rise again! If you think you can keep me down or assassinate me for my revolutionary ideas like they did John Lennon, you are like, SO whatever.